There's always a certain entertainment value when zealots clash, even if (or perhaps especially if) it's over a serious issue.

For example, during this year's endless series of Republican presidential debates, Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney have been tripping all over themselves to persuade GOP voters that each would be more willing than the other to employ torture. (Rudy: I'd have my interrogators "use every method they could think of." Mitt: I'd "double Guantanamo!")

This holds true not only across the political spectrum, but in other realms. The latest case can be found at the nexus of environmental activism and technology. Greenpeace, the organization dedicated to making environmental activism as grim and joyless as possible, has accused Apple of using hazardous chemicals in its new iPhone. As internetnews.com reports:

Among the offending chemicals the organization discovered are polyvinyl chloride (PVC), a plastic banned from children's toys, in the iPhone's headphones, and Bromine, which is typically used as a flame retardant. Greenpeace also found high uses of "phthalates," chemicals used to increase the flexibility of plastic, in the iPhone's headset.

[B]ased on the Greenpeace report, the Center for Environmental Health (CEH), an Oakland, Calif. environmental group, said it would sue Apple if it does not do something about the chemicals used in the iPhone.

"We expect Apple to reformulate their products to make them safer from cradle to grave, so they don't pose a threat to consumers, workers or the environment," Michael Green, executive director of CEH, haughtily declared in a statement.

So far Apple has responded to neither the charges nor demands. Not so the Apple dead-enders, who are plastering the Internet with broadsides against Greenpeace. Here's a sampling:

"Greenpeace...what a joke. All they care about is cash for their organization. Which is why they attack former founding members who have gone on to help corporations to clean up their environmental acts. Greenpeace = Nazi."

"Greenpeace is IMHO a global donation industry that's all. They care for the best only, which is your money. Why isn't anybody trying to sue them back to hell?"

"Greenprice is a vengeful organization that serves no purpose other than their own agenda." (Note clever "Greenprice" twist.)

"Apple is the best of breed when it comes to building electronics that is environmentally sensible and sensitive. Left to Greenpeace, we would be heating caves with burning wood and counting on our toes and fingers, communicating with grunts - and living to about 37."

I see only one way out of this mess for Apple, and that's to follow the tried-and-true formula corporations have used for eons when faced with a public relations fiasco: Acknowledge the mistake and do the right thing Launch a PR counteroffensive! Here are some suggestions for Steve and the Cupertino gang (invoice to come):

1) New corporate slogan. "Apple: It's Insanely Green!"

2) Leak news of pending Microsoft "Asbesto-phone".

3) Commission scientific study touting auditory benefits of third ear.

4) Another slogan. "The iPhone: It Will Outlive You."

5) Put things in perspective: "Well, at least we don't torture!"